Puck took my request for flaws seriously. He didn’t just unearth an imperfection; he brought out a full-fledged personality disorder.
We were on our fifth date; at least, that’s what I thought it was. When I arrived at his apartment at the appointed hour, he was dressed in an UnderArmor compression shirt and Umbro soccer shorts.
I tallied up excuses for him faster than blows in a boxing match. Maybe this is the sports medicine specialist’s version of business casual. Maybe he just got home from the gym. Maybe he wants to go for a run with me.
None of the above.
“I really need to get groceries,” Puck said as he stuck his head into the refrigerator like an ostrich.
Grocery shopping could be sexy—especially if we stocked up on whipped cream to be used creatively in the bedroom or long-stem strawberries and dark chocolate dipping sauce.
That wasn’t the kind of shopping Puck had in mind. As Puck tossed item after item in the cart, indifferent to price or calorie content, I tried to gleam what secret aphrodisiac snack he had on the menu.
“What are you making?” I asked.
“I don’t know,” he said. “I’m just cooking. Don’t you cook?”
“I don’t have appliances,” I said, reminding him that for the time being, I was squatting in my mother’s basement.
“So what do you eat?” he asked.
“A lot of salads.”
Puck shook his head and pitched a brick of cheddar cheese into the cart. My hot doc looked absurd wheeling a double-basket contraption through the aisles of the neighborhood market. After a few rounds through produce, frozen foods, and packaged snacks, we headed to the check-out.
The cashier stuffed all the groceries into one bag, leaving a six-pack of Quilted Northern resting on the counter. After Puck gathered the overflowing grocery bag into his arms, he eyed the ass-wipes. He turned to me with expectant eyebrows.
This wasn’t the kind of intimacy I’d been hoping for tonight.
“I suppose I can carry your toilet paper,” I sighed.
“There’re a couple things they didn’t have here,” Puck said as we loaded the purchases into my trunk. “So I need to go the co-op.”
“Okay...” I said, trying my best to be the agreeable girlfriend.
“Don’t you love how co-ops smell?” I trilled when we passed through the automatic doors of the Linden Hills grocery store.
“I never noticed they had a smell.”
“Of course they do. It’s an earthy smell, like…dirt.”
“Hmm,” Puck said and slid a basket down his wrist. His seemingly random product selection continued with a six-pack of Vitamin C water, a turkey loaf, and a tub of tuna salad.
“That looks good,” I said when Puck selected a Florentine Burger from the deli. “What is it?”
“I dunno. Some kind of veggie burger with spinach and walnuts and stuff,” he said. “Do you want one?”
To eat when? I wondered. Are we having dinner or what?
“No, thanks,” I said.
“This is a wild date,” I said as we piled a few more bags into the trunk of my car.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Puck asked with a defensive puff of his He-Man chest.
“I’m just teasing,” I lied.
“What did you expect?”
“Nothing,” I said.
Puck’s jaw tightened.
“I don’t know,” I said. “Not this.”
“If I’m going to have a guest,” he said through gritted teeth. “I have to have a full fridge.”
I couldn’t argue with that, though I wasn’t sure if the guest he was referring to was me or some other flavor-of-the-week.
When we returned to his apartment, Puck served me a glass of Vitamin water.
“So what’s the verdict?” he asked.
“Glorified Kool-Aid,” I said.
Puck took a sip from his bottle and swished the cranberry-colored liquid around in his mouth. “You’re right,” he said with a cringe.
From my seat at the dining room table, I watched as Puck embarked on a personal feast. With one meaty hip leaning up against the kitchen counter, he chopped bite-sized chunks of cheddar cheese, turkey loaf, and Florentine burger with a single knife.
“That’s what I forgot!” he said, hitting his forehead with the palm of his hand. “Hummus.”
Puck spun toward the fridge and shuffled through the products. He unearthed an almost-empty container of
“I need to lose ten pounds,” Puck sighed when he finished his burger.
“From where?” I asked. There wasn’t a place I could pinch any fat on him if I wanted to. He patted his ripped stomach.
“You look good to me,” I said.
Puck grunted in response.
I shook my head in disbelief: here we were, date five, what most single women regard as prime-time for the exclusivity conversation, having a half-assed dinner on separate sides of the apartment. What happened to the man who’d wooed me with lakeside sunset dinners and winding river road bike rides?
“By the way,” I said, famished for conversation. “I had a great time the other night with Grant and Tracy.”
“You did?”
“Of course,” I lied. “They’re nice people.”
Puck stopped munching for a moment as his eyes seemingly X-rayed me.
“They didn’t like you,” he said.
I half-smiled, waiting for the “just kidding”; instead, Puck returned to snacking. He ripped open a bag of whole-grain Tostitos and tossed a handful into his mouth. I stared, salivating.
“Is this how you normally eat?” I asked.
“Do you want some?” he asked.
I did, but not by the fistful.
“Sure,” I said.
Puck held the big blue bag out in front of me. I dipped my hand inside, but the chips broke in half and crumbled between my fingers before I got my arm out of the bag. After another unsuccessful grab, Puck caught on and handed me a bowl.
He ate. I ate.
We didn’t talk.
Is-This-A-Date? Buffet
Ingredients
Vegging Out Burgers (see recipe below)
Gobble-Me-Up Turkey Loaf (see recipe below)
1 bag whole grain Tostitos
1 container Holy Land hummus
Directions
· Prepare veggie burgers and turkey loaf.
· Spread all buffet components across kitchen counter.
· Serve sans utensils, every-man-for-himself style.
· For added enjoyment, eat standing up.
Vegging Out Burgers
Ingredients
1 tablespoon butter
1 tablespoon flour
¼ teaspoon salt
¾ cup milk
1 teaspoon olive oil
1/3 cup frozen spinach, thawed
¼ cup chopped onion
1 clove garlic, minced
¼ cup chopped mushrooms
½ carrot, grated
½ cup cooked long-grain wild rice, roasted garlic and olive oil flavor
½ cup walnuts, chopped
¼ cup reduced fat Bleu cheese crumbles
¾ cup bread crumbs
1 egg
1 teaspoon Red’s hot sauce
Pepper to taste
Directions
· In small saucepan, melt butter, flour, and salt over low heat.
· Stir in milk and simmer about 2 minutes, stirring often.
· Remove from heat and allow it to thicken.
· In skillet, heat olive oil.
· Sautee onions, garlic, mushrooms, carrot, and spinach 3-5 minutes or until softened.
· Pour white sauce into skillet; reduce heat.
· Add rice and walnuts; mix well.
· Remove from heat and allow mixture to set for a few minutes.
· Transfer mixture into Tupperware container and refrigerate for one hour.
· Once mixture has been chilled, pre-heat oven to 400 degrees.
· Form into patties and roll in cheese crumbles and bread crumbs.
· Bake for 10 minutes or until browned.
· Remove from oven and transfer patties to serving platter.
· Devour burgers with bare hands.
Gobble-Me-Up Turkey Loaf
Ingredients
½ pound ground turkey breast
½ cup bread crumbs, Italian style
1 stalk celery, finely chopped
1 small onion, minced
1 clove garlic, minced
3 ounces tomato paste
1 egg
1 teaspoon Worcestershire sauce
¼ teaspoon thyme
¼ teaspoon oregano
¼ teaspoon basil
½ teaspoon sea salt
¼ teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
¼ cup ketchup
Directions
· Pre-heat oven to 400 degrees.
· Grease 8-inch loaf pan with cooking spray.
· In large bowl, mix all ingredients together, except ketchup.
· Transfer to prepared pan and coat with ketchup.
· Bake 45 minutes or until turkey temperature reaches 165°F.
· Allow to set 5 minutes before slicing.
· Stuff face with abandon.
July 2007
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