What Women DON'T Want...and The One Thing They DO!

In a previous post, I told you what I'm wishing for this Valentine's Day. Here is the "Don't you dare unless you're itching for a break-up" list:

Stuffed Animals

I almost threw up in my mouth when I saw this. Plush toys are creepy. Not even making it potty-mouthed will convince me it’s cute.


(Photo courtesy of www.doobybrain.com)

A Dozen Roses

Flowers can be indescribably beautiful. They also die. I suppose there’s something poetic in that contradiction, but a dozen roses is too cliché for any day of the year. If you must express your love florally, do so in a unique way with an exotic bouqet. Or a bonsai tree. Even a sprig of lucky bamboo would do. Just don’t let some faceless stranger at 1-800-Flowers decide what your gift will look like!


(Photo courtesy of www.takemeouttotherunway.blogspot.com)

Chocolates

I’m around sweets 24/7. “Surprising” me with chocolate isn’t all that appetizing. Really jonesing to give me some sugah? Fine. Just make sure they’re not Ferrero Rocher. I can’t stand ‘em. I don’t know how they got so popular; I’d rather eat a dozen hairballs. I might consider some sea salt truffles but really, you gotta up the ante on balls for this food blogger.


(Photo courtesy of www.expedoodle.com)

Edible Attire

Edible panties? Yes. Edible dresses? No thank you. Especially not if they’re Lindt. And I thought skirt chasers of the male variety were off-putting…


(Photo courtesy of 1800flowers.com)

Over-priced Restaurant Meals

I don’t mean to pick on Crave (I’ve heard their Mac & Cheese is to die for) but starving artists can’t rationalize dropping $75 bucks for dinner when a box of Kraft and a package of hot dogs will do. It’s not the size of the bill that impresses me; it’s the effort you put into it. A guy manning a stove (or better yet, a grill) really lights my fire. Can’t cook? Fine. Let’s go out to eat—but 24 hours before or after the big day, when dinner’s a fraction of the cost.


(Photo courtesy of onlinefloristperth.com.au)

Cards

Greeting cards are beyond impersonal. If you can't speak it, don't buy a piece of cardboard to say it for you. If you thought Hallmark was absurd with their five dollar price tags, check out the latest trend: giant greeting cards. For $25 to $50, you, too, can send your lover something totally cheesy and impossible to ignore! (Another don't: pets in costume.) Go ahead, give a card...but be prepared to be relocated to the dog house. Permanently.


(Photo courtesy of www.bigfunnycards.com)


Do I Sound Demanding?

Of course I do. Here’s why:

A woman will never be satisfied, no matter what you give her for V-Day, because what she really wants is precisely what you can’t afford—or aren’t willing to invest in. She wants you. All to herself. For all eternity.

She wants the rock—and a hefty one at that—as a symbol of how committed to her. Yes, it’s shallow….but a girl who finds a good guy wants to wear proof of his love in a place where everyone can see. No taken lady can resist bragging about how she snagged The One to random strangers or resisting showing off so all her girlfriends get jealous (don’t deny it, ladies). Agreeing to make monthly payments to Tiffany’s until you die is pretty fucking serious and she knows it.


(Photo courtesy of www.tiffany.com)

So. There you have it, dudes. The only thing that will really please her is an impressive sparkler. Go big or go home.

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You know what song what I have to put in here. I apologize for contributing to the over-playing of this tune, but, hey, shortly after Beyonce recorded it, Jay-Z popped the question. Coinky-dink? I think not.